Emotional Abuse.. from the inside out. Okay so what's next. Aftermath of abuse at it's worse! What happens when you can't function in society. I was scared to death. Learn about the affects of abuse!

After the smoke clears, The physical abuse is gone. there is a small voice that says's You are not worthy! 

Growing up in utter dysfunction, having to live in a violent home. Then as an adult I chose to say 

enough was enough. I walked away from the only thing I ever knew as normal. Being hurt by the one 

that I thought loved me. Take a deep breath and start again. Two children and a world of hurt.

I remember looking out the window thinking where do we go from here? I knew I had to be strong, not

 strong in the sense of taking the abuse. I another way a way I had never known. Venturing into a new 

era. Alone with the world on my shoulders and two children on each arm. I knew that the cycle of 

violence that I helped perpetrate had to end. It was time to start something good for my family. Inside I 

was waging an unknown WAR. On the outside people would tell me I was courageous and heroic. 

However there was a little different voice inside one that would challenge others. You can call it verbal

 abuse, or emotional even, brain washed. All I know is I constantly fought myself to be better than the 

voice said. I could not function clearly in society, afraid to smile, heart broken. I only felt comfortable with 

my children in my arms. So I held on tight to them. Before we were under constant emotional 

surveillance. Unable to show emotion, we had to learn all over again. As I continued on the new path for 

our lives. We were beginning to heal. There was something inside that said it was always going to hurt. I

 felt it like a knife standing in the grocery line. It was just a friendly greeting "Hello" a voice would say. I 

could almost see myself climb within looking around afraid I would reply Hi. I asked myself why I was a 

pretty outgoing Girl before. Now I had become inward an detached from the outside. I asked my self

when did this happen to me. I felt like the mafia was following me. I was paranoid and scared. Enclosed

 by the four walls of an abuse shelter. My children and I alone in our new room. It was around 

Christmas, just days before. The kids were saying Mama does Santa know we moved? What angels 

they were. Of course he does! No one understood the battle inside. I decided that I was going to have 

to break the inner voice in order to begin with a full heart. It started small just a thought of how awesome

 my children thought I was. I would think on that all day. Then I began to test boundaries when someone

spoke to me I would speak back. and conscientiously say don't look around or be afraid. Was I afraid?

 Yes. Would I fall into the emotion NO. I realized that I didn't have to agree with it anymore. I realized that 

I was safe and I was going to continue a brand new life I couldn't take fear and anxiety where I was 

going! I started to go to church and the bible came alive to me. All of the words God spoke directly to

me. I Started to truly heal and gain understanding. I found Love like I had never knew.

I wrote this in hope that it could help someone who is in this place come out. Also for those who have no

 understanding of what it is like to be in this place. The pain carries long after the end. It is inappropriate 

for others to ridicule the abused as though they should snap out of it. They have to gain their own 

strength this takes patience and love.